Trick Of The Mind

As Josh walked away from the White House he could hear sirens and he wasn't sure where they were. As he'd listened to the choir he could feel himself slipping away, could feel the fear start to wash over him. It was only Donna saying his name that had brought him back to the present. But he could still hear sirens, only faintly, but they were there and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't shut them out.

He had to ask her, he had to know. "Can you hear sirens?"

"Yeah," Donna replied. "Sounds like something's happening down that way."

"Okay." Josh felt enormous relief at that. Maybe he wasn't loosing his grip on reality completely. "I don't need to go to the hospital. It doesn't need stitches." He knew he was almost pleading, but he really didn't want to see the inside of GW again.

They'd reached Donna's car, she unlocked the doors and they got in. She turned on the interior light, but it didn't make much difference to the darkness and it was certainly no good for examining a wound. "Okay. We'll go back to your apartment and I'll have a look at it."

"Thanks."

Donna could hear the relief in Josh's voice but felt she should tell him, "If it looks infected you're going to GW."

"Yeah," Josh readily agreed. He was pretty sure it wasn't infected and he was also sure that once he got home he could talk Donna out of taking him to the ER.

They arrived at Josh's apartment after an uneventful, but silent, drive. Donna really wanted to know what the therapist had said, but she was willing to wait until Josh was ready to talk. She knew the others -- CJ, Toby and Sam -- were worried and she'd promised to phone them. But first she wanted to check that Josh was alright. 

He let them into the building and then the apartment. As he entered the living room he knew that his secret was out. The window couldn't be fixed until after the holidays. He pulled the blind down over the hardboard covering the hole, though he knew Donna could hardly have missed, it he still didn't want to look at it.

Donna watched Josh as he turned the light on and closed the blinds. She saw the boarded up window, and knew her suspicions were correct; 'putting down a glass' indeed. She'd known he was lying as soon as he'd said it, and she was sure he knew that, but they've played this little game for the last three days of her pretending and him letting her.

Josh turned to face Donna and smiled a little sheepishly. "It wasn't too big of a lie. It was glass."

"Yeah," Donna agreed. "Come here, let me have a look at your hand."

They sat at the table and Donna untied the rough bandage, feeling him flinch as she removed the final part that was stuck to the dried blood on his palm. The wound wasn't too swollen and it did look clean. She would have rather he had it checked by a doctor, but she suspected a few hours in the ER was the last he needs at the moment. 

"Wait there," she told him. She went to the bathroom and was surprised to find everything she needed. She returned to the living room with antiseptic wipes, a new bandage and even a non-stick wound pad.

"So I don't have to go to the ER?"

"No, but if Leo yells at me I'm blaming you," Donna warned. "I'm shocked you have this stuff."

"It's from when my mom stayed, she likes to be prepared. I think it comes from living with my dad for so long."

Donna took a wipe and cleaned the dried blood away from Josh's palm, trying to be careful not to start it bleeding again. "Was he accident prone?"

"Worse than me." Josh flinched as Donna wiped over the deepest part of the cut.

"Sorry," Donna said. She was beginning to wonder whether this was a good idea. "There could be glass in here."

Josh shook his head, "There was only a couple of pieces, I got them out."

"You should still have it x-rayed."

"Please," Josh looked pleading. "I can't face the hospital, not tonight."

"Yeah okay. Hold this over it until the bleeding stops again."

Once the bleeding had stopped, Donna cleaned Josh's palm again, put some ointment on the wound and dressed it. "How have you managed to write and type for the last three days?"

"Painfully," Josh replied.

"You can go home you know, you don't have to spend all your Christmas Eve looking after me."

Donna shrugged and sat down next to him. "I want to stay." He noticed that she didn't give the option of being alone.

"Okay. What shall we talk about?" he asked with a slight smile, pretty sure he knew what the answer would be.

"You."

Josh sighed, "I thought you might say that. Stanley says I'll be alright."

"Good." Donna couldn't help but glance toward the broken window. She'd known something was wrong, she'd known for a couple of weeks. It'd been a relief when Toby came to her, although what he told her had scared the life out of her. Then Josh disappeared after the Christmas party, she could tell something had happened during the concert because she could see how worried Toby was as they looked for Josh.

They'd found him in the mess. He was sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. He'd taken his jacket off and his tie was hanging loosely round his neck. He had his knees pulled up with his arms wrapped round them. He wouldn't talk to them and he looked, well the only word Donna could think of was haunted, he looked haunted. Donna and Toby both knew that they needed to get Josh out of the west wing before anyone came and saw him. Not so much the staff, but the guests who were still in the building. They'd stood him up and walked him to Toby's car.

By the time they'd reached Georgetown, Josh had come to and was insisting he was alright, that he'd just felt dizzy and the fresh air had cleared his head. Neither of them were completely convinced, but Josh wouldn't let them stay with him, so they'd left. Now, looking at the blind that was hiding the boarded up window, Donna realized how far from alright Josh had been, and they'd left him on his own. What the hell had they been thinking?

Josh was looking at her questioningly. "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah I'm fine. You?"

Josh was quiet for a moment while he considered that question. He decided to be honest for the first time in months. "No."

"Tell me."

"I don't know where to be begin. You want to know physically or mentally?" he asked with a slight, very slight, smile.

Donna choose the easier subject first. "Physically."

"My hand's sore," he smiled.

"Anything else?" Donna prompted.

"My back hurts. My arm, my leg, my chest all ache. Perhaps I should have listened and taken more time off."

"Yes," Donna agreed. "Tired?"

"Constantly. You already knew all that though. It's not really my physical health you want to know about is it?"

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

Josh glanced at Donna and then back down at his hand. "I have post traumatic stress disorder." He played with the bandage while wondering how those four words, post traumatic stress disorder, could be so hard to say and could have so much meaning.

"We suspected," Donna admitted.

Josh looked back up, "We?" he asked a little sharply.

"Well, Leo actually, but I did some research on the internet and the symptoms sounded very familiar."

"Yeah? I wish you'd told me."

"'Cos you'd have listened?" Donna asked.

"Maybe." Josh looked down at his newly bandaged hand. "You know then I've been having flashbacks to the shooting?" he asked irritatedly. "That I can hear the sirens and screams and gunshots. That I'm scared...... " he trailed off and tried to calm down. This wasn't Donna's fault, shouting at her really wasn't going to help, but he was scared. He was scared about what he was going to do next, what his mind was going to do to him next. As soon as he realized that other people had noticed his behavior, he'd done his best to control it, but that had made the symptoms worse and had apparently made his friends even more concerned.

"Josh?" Donna asked. "You don't have to tell me, I just want to know that you're going to be okay."

Josh didn't seem to hear her though. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath before continuing, "At the concert, that's what happened, only I felt..... I felt the pain, I couldn't breath." He drew a steadying breath and looked up at Donna. "I really though I was there. Even when the images stopped, I could still hear the sirens and the screams. After you and Toby brought me back here, after you'd gone, I could still hear them, they wouldn't stop. I just wanted them to stop." 

The raw emotion in Josh's voice made Donna flinch for him. She tried to take his hand but he pulled it away. 

"I have no idea what I was doing," he admitted. "One minute I was sat in the chair and then I was putting my hand through the window. I remember; I was surprised to find my hand was bleeding. If my super hadn't knocked to see if I was okay, I don't know what I would have done next. They just wouldn't stop," he continued. "Tonight, outside the White House, the choir. I could feel myself slipping away, if you hadn't been there......" He turned to face her." It's music, the trigger, it's music. When I hear music, my mind equates it with sirens."

Donna really didn't know what to say to make it better, she doubted at the moment whether there was anything she could say. She took his hand and this time he let her. "What did Dr Keyworth say?"

"That we get better."

"How do you feel now?"

"Relieved to have told someone. I'm glad I told you and Leo. I will get through this."

"I know you will. And you know I'm here, we're all here, if you need us."

"What do they think?" he asked.

Donna had never heard Josh sound so insecure, she'd never heard him admit to caring what people thought of him. "Toby, Sam, CJ and Charlie are all at Toby's apartment waiting for one of us to ring and tell them how you got on. They wanted to wait at work, but Leo sent them home. He didn't think you'd want mobbing when you came out."

"He was right. He told me my job's safe," he told her, his voice full of relief.

Donna knew that already, she'd asked Leo while they waited. She thought maybe she'd overstepped the mark, but he'd smiled and assured her Josh's job wasn't in question.

"I should phone them, let them know I'm still here."

"I'll make us some food. You do have food?"

"Probably not, no," Josh replied with a smile as he picked up the phone and dialed Toby's apartment.

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END
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