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Chapter 5 - Saugatuck

SUNDAY

Josh was planning on going to Connecticut that afternoon and staying for a night. He wanted to visit some people and places that he hadn't had time to go to for a while. He had just finished packing an overnight bag when Margaret arrived at his apartment.

"I won't stay long. I know you're eager to get away. Donna's quite excited, although that could just be from having two weeks off work." Margaret sat down on Josh's sofa and waited for him to do the same.

"What's up?" 

"Leo."

"Right," Josh tried not to sound too dismissive.

Margaret noted Josh's tone, but she was determined to have her say. "When you've worked closely with someone for a long time you get to know their moods, you can tell what they're thinking. I know it's the same with you and Donna." When Josh didn't speak, Margaret continued. "When we heard that the plane had gone missing, I've only ever seen him look like that a couple of times before."  This time she waited for a response.

"Go on."

She sighed, this was going to be harder than she imagined. "Rosslyn was possibly the first time I've seen him look scared. It was understandable, you and the president had both been shot and even though we knew the president was going to be fine, it was two days before you were out of danger and Leo was terrified. Then in July, when Zoey was kidnapped, he had the same look."

"I don't........."

"Last Friday, when we waited for news, he looked that way again. He was scared half to death for you."

"I wasn't the only one missing," Josh pointed out.

"No," Margaret agreed. "He was worried about everyone, but it was you he was scared for. He'd kill me if he knew I was telling you this."

"Then why are you?"

Margaret shook her head in exasperation. "Because he thought you could be dead and he'd never have chance to apologize. God, Josh. He wants everything to be okay between you again, but you have to want it too."

"He's had a week to tell me that himself."

"You really think he could? Can you really imagine that? I thought you knew him better."

"So it's up to me?" Josh asked. "I've tried talking to him, Margaret. Every time we mention what happened we just end up arguing."

"So you think it's better not to mention it all, just to let it fester. You think that'll fix it?"

"Well what do you suggest?"

"I know you're angry with him, the whole West Wing knows you're angry with him, but he did what he thought was best, he tried to control the damage......."

"Margaret, I know you're loyal to Leo, but you don't know the whole story."

"Maybe I don't. But I do know that you're both hurt over this and it's ridiculous. You're going away for two weeks, when you come back it'll be worse than it is now. If you don't talk it'll just get worse."

"Have you told him this?"

"Yes."

"What did he say?" Josh asked curiously.

"He says you won't listen and that you're probably right, so there's no point. He thinks it'll sort itself out, but he's an idiot."

Josh couldn't help but smile at that. "Am I going to get this from Donna?"

"Yes."

"Fine. I'll go and see him."

"Thank you," Margaret smiled.

Half an hour later, Josh found himself knocking on Leo's door. When Josh had phoned to ask if he could come over, Leo had actually sounded quite pleased. 

"Come in. You want a drink?"

"Yeah, a coffee please."

"Aren't you going to Connecticut?"

"In a couple of hours. I thought we should talk."

"You thought?"

"Donna and Margaret think we should talk," Josh amended.

Leo smiled, "Actually, most of the White House seem to think we should either talk or just kill each other."

"You want to try talking, or just move on to the second option and get it over with?"

Leo handed Josh a coffee and sat down. "I don't know what else to say," he admitted. "I know that the president was right, I was making it personal and I was being harder on you than I would have been on the others, but it was more than that, and it wasn't just about you."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I've had some time to think about it. It was the final straw wasn't it?"

"Why'd you......?"

"It's what I told the president the other day. I told him things had been building for a while and Phillips was just the final straw for me. After Margaret left, I suddenly realized it was for you too."

"After Margaret left?" Leo asked.

"She came to bully me," Josh smiled.

"Threatened you with Donna?"

"Yeah. It's a long drive to Westport."

"You're driving?"

"It's not like we're in a rush."

"I guess not. You are flying to LA though and Florida?"

"I'm not frightened of flying, Leo," Josh laughed. "Though I may not be quite so keen to use private jets in future."

"I don't really see that being a problem," Leo told him. "It's been a bad few months, but it's not all your fault."

"No, but I should have told you that things weren't going too well."

"Why didn't you?"

"You didn't look too hot yourself," Josh replied. "You want to talk about it?"

Leo smiled but shook his head. "There's nothing to talk about."

"You have to talk about things, Leo, that's one thing I've learnt. Granted it's a lesson I keep forgetting, but you're one of the people that keep reminding me of it."

"He didn't want to take Shareef out. I talked him into it."

"And? He needed taking out, Leo, I don't see......"

"Oh come on, Josh. I know we denied that Zoey's kidnap had anything to do with Shareef, but we know otherwise."

"Doesn't make it your fault. And Zoey's fine."

Leo looked at Josh and sighed. "Yeah, yeah she's fine. She's fine in much the same way that you are."

"Thanks," Josh replied dryly. "She's getting counseling, she'll be okay. It gets better."

"This from the man who has nightmares about a fire from 30 years ago," Leo said, immediately wishing he hadn't.

"Yeah, but maybe if I hadn't waited 30 years to talk about it....." Josh shrugged. "That's part of the reason I'm going to Connecticut. I want to go and see the house again."

"Why?" Leo asked.

"Because I need to face it. I know it'll have changed, and I've no intention of going in. I shouldn't think the current owners even know. But I need to see it."

"You been talking to your therapist about the fire?"

"Yeah."

"Does it help?"

Josh really wished he could say yes, but he couldn't. "It's been over thirty years; I don't think anything will change how I feel. But I promised Stanley I'd try. I've only had a couple of sessions where I've talked about it so," he shrugged, "I don't know."

"Have you any nightmares since?"

Josh looked suspiciously at Leo. "No," he lied.

Leo didn't believe that for a minute, but he didn't want another fight, not now, so he nodded and didn't comment.

Josh knew he was doing it again. He was questioning Leo's motives for asking something that he wouldn't normally think twice about. That was something he had to try and stop. If he couldn't trust Leo not to have an ulterior motive all the time how could he carry on working for him? "Yeah," he said.

Leo felt strangely relieved by that admission. It seemed like a huge step forward in rebuilding their relationship. A couple of months ago, Josh wouldn't have thought twice about admitting to Leo he had nightmares about the fire that killed his sister, but since the Phillips incident he'd have denied it vehemently. Leo knew that after thirty four years it was unlikely that the nightmares would stop completely. He still hoped that Josh could be convinced it wasn't his fault though. "You think talking about it'll help?"

"Stanley thinks it will, so does my mom," Josh shrugged.

"What do you think?"

"I don't see how it can, but maybe. Not a very positive attitude I know." Josh stood up, "I should get going."

"I will see you in a couple weeks won't I?"

"The president asked me that."

"I know, you didn't really answer him though. Are you coming back?"

Josh nodded, "I'll be back at my desk, annoying you, before you know it."

Josh pulled up reasonably close to Donna's building. He walked up the street and rang her buzzer. "I'm coming," she answered. Two minutes later she walked out of the front door with an overnight bag. "You sure you want me to come with you?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Give me your keys."

"Why?"

"You're ill, driving a car to Connecticut won't help."

"I've had hypothermia, now I'm fine and I'm driving."

"Is that some male macho thing?"

Josh grinned, "Here, you drive then. I'll sleep." He handed her the keys and climbed in the passenger side. "I went to see Leo, so you don't need to hassle me for the next five hours."

"How'd it go?"

"I don't know to be honest. It was better, I guess."

"So what are your plans?" Donna asked over breakfast at their hotel the following morning.

"I want to go and see where we used to live when I was a kid."

Donna smiled, "At least you remember that your mom doesn't live there anymore."

"Funny girl," Josh smiled. "I didn't mean that house. I thought I might go and see where the fire was."

Donna stopped buttering her toast and stared at Josh. "The house is still there?"

"Yeah, it was repaired. You think it's a dumb idea don't you?"

"I don't know to be honest. Have you been back before?"

"I haven't, no.  It's in Bridgeport."

"I thought you'd always lived here, in Westport."

"No. My grandfather lived here, after the fire we moved in with him for a while and then my mom and dad bought a house just round the corner from him. Joanie's buried at the cemetery here. I never went back to the first house."

"Why go now then?"

"I've been talking to Dr Hornby about the fire, I just thought.... if I see it now, if I see it as it is, a completely different house, maybe.... I don't know. I don't see how it can hurt."

"Okay, but I'm coming with you." What worried Donna was that the house may look the same now as it did before the fire. She knew Josh hadn't been sleeping, she could see how tired he was. She was worried that he was going to have a flashback to that night.

"It's a nice house," Donna commented, but Josh was looking across the street at another house. This one was almost identical to the rest in the road. It was painted cream, there were two trees at the front, an SUV in the drive and, most worrying for Donna, there was a for sale board.

Josh was watching the house. He saw the trees, they were saplings when they lived there, they may not even be the same ones. The upstairs windows looked the same, the left one had been his room, the right one Joanie's. The lawn at the front looked good; his dad would have pleased about that. The gate to the back yard, the gate he'd run through that night, still looked the same, as did the small fence he'd climbed. The gate was closed and he was glad because it meant he couldn't see the kitchen. He knew if it was open he would have force himself to look through it.

Donna had stopped watching the house and was now watching Josh. He hadn't moved since they pulled up. He was sat staring across the street. She was unsure whether to interrupt him or not. She couldn't actually think what to say. She was spared the need to think of anything by a knock on the window. She saw Josh jump as she wound the window down. "Hi," she smiled.

"Hey, you folks here to view the house?"

Josh recovered quickly and shook his head. "No," he told the middle aged man. "We're in Bridgeport for the day and I used to know the Fisher's, next door to you."

Although Josh sounded normal and friendly to the stranger, to Donna he sounded tense and more than a little upset.

"Yeah, nice family. Two boys," the man gave them a curious look.

"Mark and Collin," Josh replied.

"That's right," the man smiled, and Josh felt like he'd past a test. "I'm Arthur Goodwin. We're waiting for a couple to come and view the house but they're late. The Fisher's moved out about ten years ago now."

Josh already knew that. He smiled his best politician's smile, "It's a long time since I was here, we just drove by on the off chance." He nodded across at his old house, "Looks like your viewers have arrived."

"Yes. I'm sorry to have disturbed you," Arthur smiled.

"Good luck with the sale," Donna said as she wound the window up and Arthur walked back to his house. "You okay?" she asked Josh.

"Yeah," he nodded. "It's for sale then?"

"I don't know whether........" Donna began.

"No," Josh agreed. "Definitely a bad idea."

"Home," Josh grinned as he looked across the street at his parent's old house, the house that would always be home.

"Not anymore," Donna grinned back. "Your mom's in Florida now."

"Yeah," Josh gave a mock sigh. "We better not stop, I think one suspicious householder is enough for one day. I want to show you something," he smiled.

Donna glanced at Josh as he drove. He hadn't said very much since they left Bridgeport, but he did seem fine, for now. "Where we going?" 

"A tour of my childhood."

"Will I get to meet people who'll tell me secrets from your past?"

"Not a chance."

Two hours later they'd seen where he played baseball, where he broke his wrist when he fell out of a tree and they've been for a walk along the beach. Josh was actually quite enjoying showing Donna places from his childhood and she was enjoying being there with him. Work had been so intense for so long now that she'd forgotten how much fun he could be. Once they'd eaten lunch though she knew there was one more thing he needed to do.

"You can go there alone you know," she told him. "I understand."

Josh smiled, "Thanks. I just......"

"I know, it's private. I'll wait here and read the paper."

Donna sat in the car and read through the local paper while Josh walked into the cemetery, to where most of his family was buried. There were three graves, side by side. The first was his sister's. When he was a child and his mom used to come here and talk to her he thought it was strange, now he found himself telling her about visiting the old house, about taking Donna to his old haunts. The next grave was his grandfather's. They'd always been very close and Josh missed him as much as he missed his dad. He tried out his Polish and found he could still speak it, but it had been fifteen years and he can imagine his grandfather groaning at some of his pronunciation. He smiled, apologized and placed a pebble on the grave. The third grave was his father's. He touched the headstone and smiled sadly, wondering what he'd think about the rift between his friend and son.

WHITE HOUSE - TUESDAY

CJ walked into Leo's office and waited for him to notice her. "Leo?" she prompted after a few seconds.

"Yeah?" he asked absently.

"Did you know that Donna went to Connecticut with Josh?" 

"Yeah, why?"

CJ handed Leo the photograph she had been given this morning.

Leo studied the image of Josh and Donna sat on a bench near the river. "Okay."

"You don't seem too bothered."

"They're sat looking out over the Saugatuck."

"Leo! They're sat pretty close."

"It's November in Connecticut, it'd be cold."

"They're holding hands."

"Yeah," Leo agreed. The photograph didn't show their faces too clearly and they obviously hadn't know it was being taken. Leo was fairly sure the reason they were holding hands, or rather Donna was holding Josh's hand, was because he was upset. He knew Josh intended going to Bridgeport, he also knew he would have been to the cemetery, so it was a fair guess that Donna was comforting him.

"That's all you can say?"

"Who gave you the picture?" Leo asked.

"Chris. Her parents are the elderly couple by the railings, the photo was suppose to be of them. They showed it to her last night when they got back. She thought I might like to see it."

"Is she going to do anything with it?"

"No, and I wouldn't imagine her parents are about to write the Enquirer, but that's not the point. If something's going on between Josh and Donna I need to know so I can be prepared when the questions start. And they will start, Leo."

"There's nothing going on," Leo assured her, he looked back at the photograph, at Josh's stance, at the way Donna was watching him and he was surprised CJ hadn't seen it, but then she wasn't looking for it. "He's upset."

"He is?" CJ looked at the picture again.

"Take my word for it, nothing's going on." 

Donna sat in Josh's living room, with the TV volume turned down, reading a magazine and drinking a cup of tea. Josh was asleep next door and she didn't want to disturb him, she knew he hadn't slept well the night before, she'd heard him get up at least twice. 

It had been late when they got back from Westport. They'd had some dinner, watched television and Donna had stayed in the guest room. It was nearly 8am now and she knew she'd have wake him soon because they were flying to Florida in a few hours. She was about to go and make him a coffee when her cell phone rang. 

"Where are you?" CJ asked.

"Josh's apartment."

"Why are you whispering?"

"I don't want to wake him. What's wrong?"

"It's 8am and you're at Josh's apartment even though he's apparently asleep," CJ replied a little sharply.

"I stayed the night, in the guest room. It's not like I haven't stayed before, what's the problem?"

"You went to Connecticut with him and you're going to Florida and California with him. You can see where this is going?"

"CJ!" Donna replied. "I stayed in the guest room last night, as have you before now. We had separate rooms in Westport, we're staying with him mother in Florida and we have separate rooms in California. We go away together all the time."

"That's work, this is pleasure. Donna, I'm just thinking of the press."

Donna could understand how it may look a little odd, her going to visit Josh's mother with him, so she avoided that one. "Why would the press think it's odd that Josh and I are going to visit Sam?"

"Maybe they won't, they may think it odd that you're going to Florida with him."

"It's winter, it's nice and warm in Florida, I'm on vacation, Josh just happens to be there as well."

"Is that how I'm supposed to play it?" CJ asked. "What about Westport, why'd you go there?"

"That's no one else's business, it was private. Josh had some things to do there."

"That's what I should tell the press?"

"No, you shouldn't tell them anything."

"There's a photograph of you and him holding hands while sitting by the river," CJ told her. 

Donna took the phone into the guest room so as not to disturb Josh. "He was upset, he'd just been to the cemetery and to Bridgeport."

"What's in Bridgeport?"

"The house where his sister died."

"He went there?"

"I didn't think it was a good idea, but he was determined, so I went with him. By the time he'd been to the cemetery as well he was pretty upset. Who took a picture of us?"

"It was a tourist snap, Chris in the gaggle's parents."

"Is it going to be a thing?"

"No. Donna, if anything did happen with you and Josh......"

"CJ!"

"I'm just saying, I know it's private, but you have to let me know, because..... "

"I understand why, that's why nothing's going to. We're just friends, CJ."

CJ relented, for now. "Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. What time's your flight?"

"1.20."

"Have a good time while we're all stuck in cold damp Washington," CJ tried to lighten the conversation.

"I'll send you a postcard," Donna smiled. "Nothing's going to happen, honestly, but if it did you'd be the first to know."

tbc....