Relapse

Chapter 1 - All In The Mind

Wednesday

"They've only got two rooms for us, so it looks like you two are sharing," Donna said and handed Toby the room key.

"Fine," Toby nodded glancing across the lobby at Josh, who was on the phone to Leo. "Is he alright?" he asked.

"It's the anniversary, I don't think he's slept too well the last couple of nights."

"You think that's all it is?" Toby asked.

"Why, what's he done?"

"Nothing," he shrugged. "He just seemed a bit distracted on the flight and he was very quiet in the meeting before."

"He's tired." Donna glanced worriedly in Josh's direction.

Toby nodded, but he was no more convinced that the problem was lack of sleep than Donna was. "Everything okay?" he asked Josh when he joined them.

"Yeah. Will's going to email tomorrow night's speech to you."

"Okay. We're sharing," Toby told Josh as they entered the elevator.

An hour later Josh was sat in the hotel bar reading the notes he should have read earlier on the plane, if he'd been able to concentrate. "Hey," he smiled at Donna when she joined him. "You okay?"

"Considering I had to cancel a date with a good looking, funny guy to look after you and Toby?" Donna smiled. "Yeah I'm fine."

"I'm sorry, it couldn't be helped."

"I know. What time are we leaving tomorrow?"

"Flight's at 3.40. So we have some free time, provided the road meeting doesn't drag on too long."

"You can take me shopping," Donna teased.

"I can, can I?" Josh smiled.

"Yes. As an apology."

"I didn't make Bonny ill," he protested.

"Not for that."

"I know. I am sorry about what I said. I've been a little off recently."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"No," Josh admitted.

"Tell me."

"It's just the anniversary. It'll pass."

Donna suspected it was more than that. He'd been shutting her out for weeks now and that morning on the flight he seemed very on edge. "Where you okay on the plane earlier?"

"Yeah, I was.... "Josh stopped and shook his head. "No, not really." 

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not here."

As Toby climbed back into bed he heard Josh cry out from the other side of the room. Toby never slept well in hotels and this was third time he had noticed Josh having, what he assumed, was a nightmare. He went over to him and gently shook his shoulder. "Josh? Hey, wake up."

Josh could hear Toby calling him. He was bleeding and it hurt. People were walking past him, but it was okay now because he could hear Toby calling him. He slowly opened his eyes and looked up, relief flooding through him that he had been found. But something wasn't right, this wasn't the Newseum. Josh blinked hard and stared at Toby, he tried to focus his thoughts. Gradually he came back to the present and remembered where he was. He wasn't bleeding to death at Rosslyn, he was in a hotel room in California. "I'm alright," he managed to whisper. 

"No you're not. That's the third time tonight, Josh. What's going on?"

"Nothing," Josh muttered as he closed his eyes again.

"Tell me."

"It was just a nightmare. I get them occasionally."

"This bad?"

"No," Josh reluctantly admitted.

"Have you had any other symptoms. Anymore than normal I mean?" Toby noted the surprise on Josh's face. "I have the internet. I did a search of Google after you were diagnosed."

"Right."

"So?"

"I've not been having flashbacks if that's what you're asking."

"But you are having bad episodes?"

"Yeah," Josh nodded. "Nightmares mainly, some panic and I've been.... I've been zoning out," he quietly admitted.

"You really need to talk to Dr Keyworth, you know that." Toby watched Josh until he nodded in agreement.  "What started it?"

"Watching a movie." Josh told Toby the same as he told Leo, even though it wasn't entirely true. It was true that the nightmares of Rosslyn got worse after he watched Michael Collins, but the episodes had been getting steadily worse for a month and his dreams of the fire had been different to normal, which was always a sign that something was wrong.

"I'm going to get Donna to call Dr Keyworth in the morning," Toby told him.

"How've you been?" Stanley asked as he sat next to Josh on the park bench. 

"I've been well. Yourself?"

Stanley smiled. "I've had a slight head cold, but I'm feeling better now." He looked at Josh. "So why'd Donna call me?"

Josh shrugged, "It's the anniversary."

"Is that why you're in San Francisco instead of Washington?"

"I dunno, although this is the third year Leo's sent me away for today, so maybe."

"But you're here to work?"

"Yeah. We had meetings yesterday and this morning. How come you're here?"

"My nephew's getting married."

"I didn't mean to drag you away from a family thing," Josh said.

"If you'd ever met my family you'd know that I'm quite happy to sit here all day," Stanley laughed. "So how've you been, and the truth would probably be more helpful this time."

Josh looked across the park and watched some children playing chase with their dog. He glanced at Stanley. "I've not been sleeping too well."

"Bad dreams?"

"Yeah."

"Have you had any episodes?"

"Yeah."

"Go on."

Josh looked back across the park. "I've been having panic attacks and zoning out. On the flight here I was trying to read some notes, but I couldn't focus on them. Everything........ You know what happens."

"Yes, but I want you to tell me, that's the point of this. Everything?"

"Everything seemed unreal somehow, far away." Josh paused. "No that's not it, but I can't think how to describe it. It's like, I knew I was sat on a plane in between Toby and Donna, but I felt like I wasn't really there. I kept trying to concentrate on what I reading, but the words made no sense."

"Go on."

Josh was silent for a few seconds before asking, "When's the wedding?"

"Tomorrow," Stanley replied, with a slight smile at Josh attempt to steer the conversation. "On the plane?" he asked.

Josh shrugged. "I felt, numb I guess. Not emotionally, I mean literally. I couldn't hold my pen, it was like my hand wasn't connected to my brain anymore." He looked at Stanley, "Do you know how frightening a panic attack is on an aircraft."

"I can imagine. What did you do?"

"Closed my eyes and concentrated on other things."

"And it passed?"

"After about half an hour, yeah."

"Did anyone notice?"

Josh really hoped not. "I think they thought I was asleep."

Stanley nodded. "These are worse than normal?"

"Yeah, much worse. Normally I know when I'm having a bad day and I can take measures to control it before it takes hold. But recently, it just hits me without warning."

"You're scared you're going to have flashbacks?" Stanley asked, Josh nodded. "Have you?"

"No." Josh smiled suddenly, "And I can listen to music."

Stanley watched him knowingly, "You've been listening to classical music to see what happens?"

"Yeah," Josh admitted.

"And what does happen?"

"I get bored," Josh smiled.

"This is nothing like last time you know. For a start when you tell you're not having flashbacks, I believe you. I had a long talk with Donna this morning, you said that was alright?"

Josh nodded. "What did she say?"

"She told me about your sister."

"That has nothing to do with this," Josh protested.

Stanley felt the barriers going up, but he'd dealt with Josh's defenses before. "Really? You don't think it's possible that your PTSD goes back to then?" When Josh didn't respond, Stanley carried on. "That was far more traumatic than Rosslyn."

"You ever been shot, Stanley?"

"No," Stanley smiled, before looking seriously at Josh, "And I've never stood and watched a house fire knowing my sister was trapped inside. But I can imagine which would have a more lasting effect psychologically."

Josh hung his head and closed his eyes. "I don't want to talk about Joanie."

"Donna tells me she loved music. She played and she wanted to be an orchestra conductor?" Stanley asked, Josh nodded but didn't look up. "Was she good?" 

"She'd just won a scholarship."

"Did you enjoy listening to her?"

"Yeah."

"That might explain why music triggered your flashbacks."

"Joanie and Rosslyn aren't connected, not even in my head," Josh insisted.

"You don't think?" Stanley asked. "You never mentioned her to me before."

"I'm surprised Leo didn't when you spoke to him."

"He did. He didn't tell me that you were the only other person there or that you felt so guilty." Then Stanley came to what he knew is the crux of the problem. "Zoey's kidnap wasn't your fault."

Josh looked sideways at Stanley. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"I think you should talk about your sister."

"It was over thirty years ago, it's got nothing to do with how I feel now."

"You know that isn't true, Josh. You know that most of this is related to what happened that night." Stanley shifted position so that he could look at Josh. "Tell me about the fire?"

Josh fell back on misdirection, "This is a very strange place for a therapy session you know."

"We can go someplace else if you'd prefer. Back to your hotel room or mine. But I still want you to talk to me about that night."

Josh sat in silence and decided he much preferred his old therapist, Dr Radford. But in reality he knew that a therapist who didn't bully him wasn't going to help him either, and there was no way this Stanley was going to let him take seven years to tell the truth.

"Josh?"

"There was a fire, she was trapped, I got out."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why was there a fire?"

Josh thought back to that night in July 1970. "My parents had gone out for a meal with some friends. We were making popcorn while Joanie was washing up our dinner things and I hovered in the doorway watching the TV in the next room. I turned back into the kitchen and there was smoke coming from the popcorn maker......." Josh stared quietly down at his hands as he remembered.

"Joanie it's smoking," Josh told his elder sister.
"Stay over there," Joanie instructed as she dashed across the kitchen and unplugged the machine. It was too late though. The smoke had turned to fire and it was spreading fast. "Pass me some water."
Josh went to the sink and filled a jug with the washing up water, but the fire had already gotten hold of the curtains and was starting on the kitchen cupboards. "Come on out," Josh urged as the flames reached the ceiling.
"Go next door and get Mr Fisher," Joanie told him. "Don't be scared, it'll be alright," she assured him when he hesitated.
Josh stood at the back door, "Come with me."
"I'll be behind you. Just go, Josh. Run."
Josh opened the back door and ran across the yard. As he reached the gate he heard a crash and a roar. He stopped and looked back to see if Joanie was behind him, but all he could see were flames and smoke coming from the kitchen window and door. He screamed her name, but she didn't appear. He thought about going back to get her, but she'd told him to go next door and get help, so he opened the gate, climbed the small fence between the two houses and hammered on the Fisher's door.
The door was opened by Gladys Fisher, "Josh, what are you doing......?"
"It's on fire, the kitchen....." Josh began, but Gladys had already seen that.
"Mark, Jack," she shouted for her son and husband, "there's a fire next door," she called to them, as she picked up the phone and dialed 911.
The men ran out of the house, then stopped and stared for a moment. "Where's your parents and Joanie?" Jack asked Josh.
"Joanie's in the kitchen," Josh told them.
They knew there was no way they were getting in through the kitchen and they could see the fire spreading through the house. They ran to the front door but it was locked, so they broke a window, opened it and climbed in. Josh and Gladys watched, Josh struggling to break free, but Gladys had a tight hold of him, as they waited for their loved ones to appear. After a couple of minutes Mark and Jack stumbled back out of the house and stood coughing.
"We can't get in there," Mark told his mother in between coughs. There were tears on his face when he turned to Josh. "I'm sorry, we can't get to the kitchen."

Stanley watched Josh as the silence dragged on. "Josh?"

Josh looked up and frowned. "The fire spread so quickly. I never understood how it spread so quickly. The neighbors tried to get to her. The firefighters came and an ambulance. I should have made her leave with me."

"How old were you?"

"Nine."

"How old was she?"

"Sixteen."

"If you'd have stayed what could you have done?"

Josh shrugged. "Nothing."

"But?" Stanley prompted.

"She wouldn't have been alone."

"Yeah," Stanley agreed. He'd been a psychiatrist for long enough to know that Josh's guilt over his sister's death was something that would always be there. "I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could say that would help."

"There isn't. Everyone tells me the same things. My parents, my grandfather, Leo, Sam, Donna. They've all said there was nothing I could have done. It wasn't my fault. I guess I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that I was stood right next to her and I left her there."

"Have you had nightmares since then?"

"Yeah."

"Always the same?"

"Yeah."

"Really?" Stanley asked.

"No," Josh admitted. Usually his dreams of the fire were of what actually happened. But occasionally they were worse than that. In some he heard her scream for him, that was bad enough. But very occasionally he saw her at the kitchen window as the flames spread round her. Neither of those things happened, but they were the dreams he'd been having on and off the last few weeks. "Some are worse than others." 

"Have they been worse recently?"

Josh tried to block Stanley out again. "It's just 'cos of the anniversary."

"What are they about, Rosslyn or the fire?"

"Stanley." Josh knew Stanley wasn't going to give up and he might as well tell him. "Both, mainly the fire."

"Started getting worse back in July?"

"Yeah."

"You want me to explain why to you?"

"I'm no challenge at all am I?" Josh asked with a sad smile.

"No," Stanley agreed. 

"I should get going, the flight's at 3.40."

Stanley stood up with Josh. "You couldn't have done anything to prevent Zoey being kidnapped. You have however done all you can to help her since. She told me you helped persuade her to talk to me."

"She doing okay?" Josh asked, then answered his own question. "Yeah I know, you can't tell me."

"No, I can't," Stanley agreed. "When you talk to Dr Hornby do you tell him about Joanie?"

"No."

"You're going to have to, Josh. You need to talk about this. I honestly think your PTSD started back then and if we're going to treat it successfully we have to get to the cause." Stanley could see Josh is going to argue. "I realize it's hard. You trust Dr Hornby?"

Josh nods, "Yes I do."

"I'm going to pass the notes of today onto him." 

"You haven't made any notes."

"In my head," Stanley said. "You be okay on the flight home?"

"Yeah, Donna and Toby are with me, I'll be fine." 

"See, nothing at all like last time," Stanley smiled. "You would never have let them help back then. Make an appointment with Dr Hornby. I'll be checking with Donna."

"I know. Thanks for seeing me."

"You're my favorite client," Stanley deadpanned as he shook Josh's hand.

Chapter 2 - Consequences........