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Chapter 1 - All In The Mind

As Leo walked through the West Wing he noticed CJ's office door was slightly ajar. He knew CJ had gone home hours ago, he was just about to close the door when he saw the sleeping form of his deputy on the couch. 

"Josh, what are you doing?" he asked from the doorway.

"Umm," came the muffled reply, as Josh pulled his jacket closer around him.

"It's 2am," Leo said a little louder. "Why are you in CJ's office?"

"Been out for a drink."

"Why didn't you go home?" Leo persevered.

Josh peered up at Leo. "Couldn't get there."

"But you got here."

"Easy address," Josh replied, closing his eyes.

Leo shook his head. "Come on, I'll take you home."

"I'm good here," Josh protested.

"Stand up," Leo instructed.

Josh sat up and attempted to stand. "Very tired."

"Very drunk," Leo amended. "Where are the others?"

"Dunno. Had a fight," Josh tried to stand again, this time more successfully, and followed Leo out of the building.

Leo had intended taking Josh home, but Josh couldn't find his keys so they went back to Leo's hotel suite and Josh fell asleep on the sofa.  When something woke Leo, just after 5, he found Josh in the living room lying staring at the ceiling and breathing heavily. What worried Leo though was Josh's pallor, he was deathly white. "Josh?" he asked. When Josh didn't move, Leo crouched down next to him, "Hey, you okay?"

Josh turned to look at Leo and swallowed, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. "Yeah. It was just a dream," Josh replied in a voice that was barely above a whisper. He really wished Leo would leave him alone, he didn't want him to know what was wrong.

Leo was still worried. Although Josh's breathing was more normal now and he had got some color back, there was a distant look in his eyes that Leo didn't like. "What about?" he asked.

That was the question Josh had dreaded, because he didn't think he had the strength to lie to Leo, plus he was still a little drunk, which wasn't helping anywhere near as much as he'd hoped it would. "Rosslyn," he replied.

"You okay now?" Leo asked, well aware that Josh just wanted his privacy. 'Rosslyn' was the answer Leo had expected, it was the anniversary next Thursday. When Josh nodded, Leo touched him gently on the head and stood up. "I'll see you later then."

At 8.30 Leo walked through the living room and looked down at Josh, who was sound asleep. He collected the newspaper from outside the room, made a coffee and started the crossword. Half an hour later Josh opened his eyes and groaned. 

"Morning," Leo smiled.

"Morning. What time is it?"

"9.15," Leo told him.

"Aren't we late?"

"It's Sunday."

"Oh yeah," Josh lay looking up at the ceiling until it stopped spinning and then sat up. "How'd I end up here?"

Leo handed him a coffee, strong and black. While he had never believed that black coffee cured a hangover, he wasn't too sure Josh's system could handle much else at that moment. "I found you trying to sleep in CJ's office."

"I know, but I thought you'd take me home. I don't remember coming here."

"You were pretty drunk, you couldn't find your keys."

Josh thought about that for a moment and then remembered. The keys had kept digging in every time he lay down, so he'd put them on CJ's desk. He looked up at Leo, "They're in CJ's office. Leo, I didn't do anything last night did I?"

"Apparently you had a fight, which I'm hoping wasn't an actual fight or CJ's gonna kill you," Leo helpfully told him.

"A fight? I don't remem.... Oh God," Josh ran his hands through his hair.

Leo watched him with an amused expression. "If you're gonna throw up......"

"I can hold my liquor," Josh protested.

Leo smiled indulgently. "Who'd you fight with?" As if he needed to ask.

"Donna," Josh muttered.

"Do I want to know?"

"Joe Quincy asked her on a date."

"And?"

"She's going to go out with him."

"Well she's single, I assume he's single, he seems like an okay guy, what's the problem? Besides the obvious of course."

"He's a Republican," Josh complained.

"You hired him," Leo pointed out.

Josh looked questioningly at Leo. "What obvious?"

"Sorry?"

"You said, 'besides the obvious'."

"He's a Republican," Leo replied. Then he looked seriously at Josh, "Are you alright?"

"Bit hung over."

"I meant in general, you feeling alright?"

"I thought we'd stopped doing that." Josh complained. He saw Leo was obvious concerned, so he answered the question, "I haven't been sleeping too well. Can we do this later, I don't feel good?"

"No, I think we should do it now. What happened last night?"

"I told you."

"I don't mean with Donna."

"I went out to get drunk."

"With Donna?"

"No," Josh reluctantly admitted."I haven't seen her since we left work. I was alone."

"Josh!" Leo sighed.

"Every night last week, Leo, every night, I've been woken by the same dream. I just thought....." Josh leaned forward and ran his hands through his hair. "I can't go through that again."

Leo felt a sudden dread at Josh's words. "Have you had any episodes?"

"No worse than normal," Josh said, before he had time to think what he was saying. He saw Leo's expression change and hastened to clarify. "I have PTSD, Leo. I'm always gonna have some symptoms, but I can control them. Honestly. No one knows I have them, so it must be under control," he argued.

Leo tried to digest that piece of information for a moment before asking, "But you don't normally have nightmares?"

"Not about Rosslyn, no. I just wanted to sleep, Leo."

"Josh, getting drunk to forget your fears and to help you sleep is the start of a very slippery slope."

"Yeah," Josh snapped, not in the mood for a lecture. "I should go home."

"You don't have any keys," Leo pointed out. "Have something to eat and I'll drive you to the White House."

"Okay," Josh agreed.

If Leo was surprised that Josh agreed so readily, he didn't show it, instead he handed him the room service menu and smiled, "Perks of living in a hotel."

Once they'd eaten, Leo couldn't hold back any longer. "Do you want to talk?"

"There's nothing to talk about. I don't know what's triggered it. I'll be fine, don't worry, it'll pass."

"It's kind of hard not to worry, Josh. You don't think it's 'cos of the anniversary this week?" Leo suggested.

"No."

"Why are you so sure if you don't know what the trigger was?" When Josh didn't answer, Leo continued, "Because you do know, don't you?"

"It's too ridiculous."

"What is?"

"It was just a movie. It was set like a hundred years ago for God's sake." Josh could feel himself getting angry and tried to calm down.

"Was there shooting in it?"

"Yeah, but if I can't watch a movie with shooting in it, my viewing options are kind of limited."

"What was the movie?"

"Michael Collins."

"Well, that's a pretty violent movie, Josh. Not to mention the fact that it's true," Leo pointed out.

"I know," Josh sighed.  As soon as the scene where Collins had been shot had played, Josh was hit by a sudden feeling of panic.

"You need to tell Stanley that."

"I've an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday anyway. I should go home, I need to get changed and then I've some serious apologizing to do."

"I'll run you to the White House to get your keys. Don't argue, I'm going to The Residence anyway." Leo picked up his jacket and car keys. "Promise me you'll call Stanley. And sort things out with Donna for God's sake, 'cos the two of you are driving us all nuts."

Josh made it home, he showered and changed. He called his mother, he called CJ to apologize for missing meeting her at the gym as he'd arranged and then he knew he had to face Donna. He pulled up outside her building, walked up the steps and rang the bell.

"Hello?"

"Can I come up?"

"It's Sunday, what do you want?"

"To apologize. Please let me up."

"Come in." Josh could hear the resigned sigh in Donna's voice. When he walked into the apartment, he expected her to turn on him, but instead she asked. "Did CJ find you?"

"Yeah. I stayed the night at Leo's. Look," Josh began, "I'm an idiot, I think we can agree on that, right?" he smiled, but Donna just stared at him. "You should go out with Joe. He's a nice guy, I know you like him. You should go out and have a good time and forget about work and all my crap."

"Oh thanks, in that case I will, I mean after all I was just waiting for your permission," Donna rounded on him. "I can function perfectly well without you, you know. What did you think, I was sat in my apartment all teary because you'd been mean to me, again?"

Josh turned back to the door. "I just called by to say sorry. I'll leave."

"Hang on. You stayed at Leo's? Why?"

"I couldn't find my keys."

"Why Leo's?"

"Does it matter? Look I'll see you tomorrow." With that he walked out of the apartment.

As Donna watched him go she had the strangest feeling of deja vu. The things he said to her yesterday, it was like when she had the date just before Christmas a couple of years ago. He didn't say the same things, but his tone and meaning and manner, they were the same. "Josh," she called. "Are you okay?"

Josh stopped at the top of the stairs and turned to face Donna. "Yeah. I got drunk and couldn't find my way home. Leo found me in the office," he smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way. "You know what I'm like. I'll see you tomorrow."

Continued.......